Snow And Lies
by Pumuckl
Summary: If it had been closed, the empty diner would have been a reminder. It would have been as empty as her heart since Luke had left. Now, the normalcy just mocked her, told her to get over him. Everything else could go on without him, why couldn't she? PostPa


_Three years ago, they both pretended not to know why she didn't want him to move._

_Two years ago, she didn't tell Luke about going to Christopher._

_One year ago, Luke kept a huge secret from her._

_This year, it hadn't snowed yet, but she wasn't sure anymore if the first snow was still something to look forward to. _

_At least this year they wouldn't pretend, keep secrets, or lie to each other. _

_It's kinda hard to lie to someone who isn't around_.

With a sigh, Lorelai closed the door behind her, dropped the keys and her scarf, got rid of her shoes and took off her coat. It was cold outside, so cold she never felt quite warm even when she was inside. Maybe that had to do with the fact she was sleeping alone (and eating alone, watching TV alone, showering alone...).

She plopped on the couch, grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around herself. Not having the energy to search for the remote, she just sat motionless for a few minutes, staring at the blank screen. At least when she was alone she didn't have to pretend she was fine. She didn't have to smile, make witty remarks, and avoid the pitying stares. She didn't have to answer a thousand times a day that yes, she was feeling okay, getting better, and that she was just _fine_.

Today, while working at the inn she had gotten the feeling it would start snowing soon, and for a second she had thought about the magic of snow. She'd always said the best things in her life had happened when it snowed. She'd once told Luke that snow was like her own little present.

Then she had remembered last year. Last year, when everything had been right with Rory, finally, and she'd planned her wedding. Everything had fallen into place. And then it had started snowing. _It's a sign. It's fate_, she'd said. Last year, when it snowed, Luke still had not told her about April. Yeah, her great present in the form of snow. _Best_ _things in her life._

She grimaced. It _had_ been the best thing that happened to her last year. The few weeks of happiness, after the thing with Rory, before knowing about April, planning the wedding, the snow...

Michel had interrupted her thoughts then, thankfully, because she wouldn't have had the energy for another round of questions about her well-being, which would have inevitably followed in reaction to her tears that had been close to spilling.

But now she was sitting on her couch in her cold-although-heated living room, and didn't have to stop the thoughts. Nobody would see that rather than being cheerful and smiling, she was wearing a pained expression. She wrapped the blanked around her more tightly.

Thinking about last year wouldn't make her feel better. She should think of positive things. Two years ago had surely been good snow-wise.

She thought about that a few moments. Luke had made her an ice-rink. She had lied to him about having a headache instead of telling him about Christopher. Luke had wanted to make her happy about snow again. Maybe she just should have remembered the bad things that had happened with snow to her that year. Maybe the snow last year really _had_ been a sign, just not a good one.

Maybe she should move on from thinking about the snow two years ago, because it surely didn't help her feel less crappy.

Three years ago, they'd had the big fight because Luke hadn't told her about moving to Litchfield with Nicole. Then they'd pretended not to know why she didn't want him to move.

What was it about Luke, her, and snow, lying, not telling and pretending?

Had she just seriously thought about snow having influence on her (and Luke's) stupid, destructive behaviour? Lorelai snorted. She should stop thinking about Luke, anyway. Everything had gone wrong last spring, but she had to accept the fact that it was over. One day, she would be over it. Maybe. Seven months, and she still wasn't. It still wasn't any easier to think about him.

Lorelai shook her head to clear her thoughts about bad snow and Luke. When she looked around in her dark living room, she noticed the darkness had become different. She turned her head to look outside. It had started snowing, and she hadn't noticed.

Shaking off all dark thoughts, she stood up, put on her shoes, coat, scarf and gloves, and stepped outside.

She took a deep breath. Maybe walking around would clear her head, so she could sleep a little bit later.

She walked through her yard towards the street, enjoying the quiet, white blanket, and the crunching sound the snow made under her feet. She was alone on the street; everyone else was sleeping. Mostly looking in the sky, she walked around without destination.

In the last seven months she'd gotten used to taking a new route through town. Actually, it wasn't just one route, but they had all one thing in common: she wouldn't have to pass by the diner.

It wasn't that she was afraid of seeing or running into Luke. Maybe she would have been, if there had been a chance of that happening. Since he was nowhere near Stars Hollow, that wouldn't happen.

Maybe she would have been able to pass by the diner if it had been closed. But it was open, run by Cesar and Lane, and looked like it had always looked. People went there to eat or drink coffee, as if nothing had changed. It was as if Luke had never been there, as if he wasn't needed. Luke's and the town could go on without him, and whenever Lorelai passed the diner she saw the proof.

If it had been closed, the empty diner would have been a reminder. It would have been as empty as her heart since Luke had left.

Now, the normalcy just mocked her, told her to get over him. Everything else could go on without him, why couldn't she?

So she'd gotten used to avoiding the diner.

That's why she stopped walking abruptly when she realized she was in front of Luke's. Years of going there every day had apparently enabled her feet to find it on their own. She peered through the window. Nothing had changed inside. She could almost see Luke, standing behind the counter, rolling his eyes at something Kirk had said. She could imagine herself, walking up to the counter, begging for coffee, bantering, getting her good-morning-kiss, or her good-afternoon-kiss, or her just-because-kiss...

She shut her eyes tightly and leaned forward, her forehead touching the cool glass. Snowflakes were landing on the strip of bare skin between her scarf and her coat, but she didn't bother standing up straight again to close that gap. She wouldn't stand in the middle of the town, crying because she thought about kissing Luke over the counter. She wouldn't break down because of someone who had left seven months ago, after a painful conversation, a ring that was given back, hurtful words, and tears. She didn't blame him for going away, after what she'd told him. After what she'd done to him.

Well, these thoughts weren't helping with the non-crying.

Deep in thoughts, she jumped when a door of a car slammed shut right behind her. She hadn't even noticed the car driving towards the parking space in front of the diner. She spun around, startled, and tried to see in the dark and through the snowflakes who had distracted her from her thoughts.

When she recognized the person, and the car, her heart stopped for a moment.

On the other side of the green truck, Luke stood still, gaping at her with the same frozen expression.

For several moments, neither moved. Lorelai stared at Luke, trying to see if something was different. Did he look older, haggard, happy without her? But it was dark and snowing and the staring thing was getting a bit creepy, so she cleared her throat and tried to talk.

"Hey", she said, immediately wincing because her voice was so high, and _'Hey?'_ Not the best thing to say after seven months.

Luke finally stepped around the front of his truck, and onto the pavement, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He watched her with a somewhat neutral expression. Lorelai suddenly wished she could see his eyes better; maybe they would tell her something his face didn't.

Luke made another step towards her, regarding her carefully. Snowflakes had already landed on his hat and shoulders, his stubble looked darker, his face thinner. Other than that, he still looked like her Luke. He still hadn't said a word.

She wanted to ask him questions: _Where were you? What did you do? Are you back for good? Is it as hard for you to get over me as it is for me to get over you? Do you still love me?_ Instead she just tried to smile.

"Lorelai," Luke finally said in a low voice that still made her weak in her knees.

"Luke," she said, her voice trembling.

"What are you doing in the middle of the night, standing around in the cold? You'll catch pneumonia!" he suddenly exploded.

"Enjoying the first snow," she responded, not knowing whether to be pissed or touched.

"I'm sorry," Luke immediately retreated. "It's not my business what you're doing anymore." He winced at his own words, clearly not liking the meaning of them.

That gave Lorelai a tiny glimmer of hope. "It's not your business anymore," she began, and Luke made a step back, hurt, bowing his head to look at his feet. She reached out her hand, but didn't touch him. "It's not your business anymore, if you want it to be that way," she softly completed her sentence.

Luke looked up, and Lorelai was shocked to see how hopeful he looked for a second. Then the expressionless face was back.

"For the last several months I was at the cabin, visiting Jess, helping Liz and T.J. at the Ren fair, trying to forget you," he said. "It didn't work." He fell silent.

Lorelai stared at him. What was she supposed to do with this? He looked at her, waiting, so she searched her brain for an answer that didn't sound like she was retarded. "Me, too," she finally said. Then she laughed, embarrassed. "I wasn't at the cabin, or visiting Jess, or helping Liz and T.J. and the fair. But I tried to forget you, too. Didn't work for me."

They stared at each other for a few more seconds.

"Are you back for good?" she finally asked shyly.

"Depends," Luke answered, shrugging lightly.

"On what?"

"I can't be friends with you."

Lorelai made a quick step back. She'd gotten her hopes up too fast. Of course he still didn't want to have anything to do with her. She knew she'd killed every chance to be with him when he'd waited for her at home to tell her he would be ready to marry her really soon, and she'd responded with the truth about that she'd done the night before. She remembered his face like it had been yesterday: his eyes, filled with tears, his lips, pressed tightly together, his absolutely stunned expression. He hadn't even gotten angry, but his eyes had been filled with something she'd never seen before when he'd looked at her: disappointment mixed with disgust. Of course he couldn't be friends with her, he probably couldn't even stand looking at her.

"I understand that," she said quickly. "But... come back. It's your town. I'll not come to your diner, so you can work here. I'm used to that, I don't go there anymore. I'll stay away from the town square, so you don't have to see me. A festival in front of the diner? I won't be there."

Luke interrupted her. "No, I mean... I can't be just friends with you."

"But- the last time we talked you said you never wanted to see me again," Lorelai objected carefully.

"Seven months, lots of time to think, about my mistakes, your mistakes, my flaws, your flaws... just promise me there's no one else for you."

They both knew who 'no one else' was.

"There's no one else for me, I promise," Lorelai said honestly.

Luke smiled lightly. "I know we can't have a fresh start, where you are Mimi, and I'm – Duke, but we can try again. It won't be easy, but I'll do my best. I learned from my mistakes."

Lorelai had to blink to hold back a few tears. "I learned from my mistakes, too."

"But... we have to tell each other everything, be honest. I know I've said this before, and didn't act that way... If I hurt you with my actions, tell me. We can never let this go so far again."

"So it's that simple? You come back, we'll try again?" Lorelai asked hopeful, with a shaking voice.

Luke shook his head. "It won't be simple, or easy. But I'd rather work hard for our relationship than not have you in my life."

"You can really forgive me for... what I did?" she asked, still not believing she would have another chance with Luke.

Luke took her hands into his and looked into her eyes. "Look, Lorelai, I have two options: Move on without you, or move on with you. Being without you sucks."

She smiled sadly. He'd evaded answering her question. "So you haven't forgiven me. I can't blame you."

"It's hard. But we'll get there. Together. I promise," he said, still looking firmly into her eyes and holding her hands.

"And Anna?" Lorelai asked, knowing Luke would know what she meant.

"April can see you all she wants. You're in my life, so when April is with me, you're in her life, too," Luke said resolutely. "Anna can't make all decisions alone."

Lorelai smiled. "Joint custody?" she asked simply.

He nodded. "I'll tell you the whole story when we're not standing outside, in the middle of the night while it's snowing, okay?"

She had to laugh. "Okay." Then she thought of something. "Luke?"

"Yes?"

"What made you come here tonight? After seven months?"

"It was time to face everything."

"Did Jess kick you out?"

"That, too." Luke grinned. "He didn't actually kick me out, just yelled at me because I was throwing away my life. He said that some things are too precious to lose just because I can't forget and forgive. Then he threatened to kill me if I ever told somebody he'd said that."

"Weird how things change..."

"Yeah, I saw the irony in that, too. I came here tonight because I waited long enough. And I saw the weather forecast. I thought, maybe it was time for something good to happen in the snow again. I wanted to come to your house, stand with you in the snow, and maybe make a new good memory of us..."

Lorelai smiled, touched by his words. "And then I stood in front of the diner anyway..."

"Good timing," Luke said, grinning broadly.

"Or fate." She smiled, but then had to stifle a yawn. "As much as I enjoy talking to you while freezing my ass off in the snow, it's late and cold, and I should go home," she said regretful.

Luke squeezed her hands gently. "See you tomorrow for breakfast?" he asked, hopeful.

She felt light-headed when the meaning of their conversation from the last few minutes really sank in. Her eyes glistened, and she swallowed. "See you tomorrow," she confirmed hoarsely. She suddenly pulled out her hands from his and threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.

"I thought I'd never see you again. Never get a chance to be with you again. Because I was so stupid..." Her voice was muffled by his coat, choked by her tears.

Luke wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. "We'll work through this," he said. "Shh, don't cry."

After a few seconds, Lorelai pulled back, wiped a few tears away and smiled shakily. "Sorry, now you'll have frozen tears on your coat." She made another step back. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"We'll talk more then?" Luke asked.

"Not just tomorrow, Luke. We'll talk more. Period."

"Shouldn't I drive you home? It's dark, and cold."

She shook her head, smiling. "No, I want to enjoy my present a little bit longer."

Before she turned around and walked away, she pressed a short, tender kiss to his lips, barely feeling anything because of the cold. But it didn't matter. They would have more time.

_Three years ago, they both slowly started to face their feelings for each other. They'd had a fight, but had made up again._

_Two years ago, Luke came outside with her in the middle of the night to wait for snow, and he made her an ice rink. She'd lied to him, but they'd worked through it._

_One year ago, she'd planned their wedding and Luke had learned how to be a father. He'd kept a secret from her, but they'd talked about it._

_This year, she'd got the best present the snow had ever given her: Another chance with Luke. _


End file.
